Does shared lived experience enhance empathy? An enquiry.

This interesting enquiry presented itself as a theme recently during a few of my meetings with supervisees as they considered their encounters with clients in the context of therapy.

I guess no-one wants their therapist to say: ‘Oh! I know exactly how you feel! The same thing happened to me!’ and then launch into their own story.  The situation and circumstances may feel similar, but they won’t be the same.  Just because we’ve experienced something similar doesn’t mean that we know how the other person feels.  Therapy is a space for the client to explore their thoughts, feelings and experiences.  This would feel like a massive intrusion.  So obviously this would be crass and unhelpful.  

Yet, I can remember a friend approaching me to talk to me about a particular predicament because she knew I’d been through something similar and she said ‘I know you’ll understand.’  I was aware our situations were slightly different, but I sense what she was really meaning was that she felt comfortable talking with me because she knew I wouldn’t judge her.  Also, I think that me talking about my experience wasn’t what she was looking for.  So are we more at ease if we feel that the person we are talking to shares our experience in some way?

In the Women’s Groups that I’ve facilitated over the years, there was always a shared understanding and a real value in the women knowing that they’d experienced something similar to each other – it softened the shame, guilt and self judgement, allowing them to heal.  They were able to notice how they viewed each other with compassion and understanding, and then apply this to themselves.  I’ll write about this further in another post. 

So how is this in the therapist-client relationship?  Is it helpful to let the client know we’ve experienced something similar?  Does this intrude on their space? Is this in the best interests of the client?  Is it helpful to say that we know the territory and leave it at that?  Does the client sense, on some level, that we’ve experienced something similar even if we don’t mention it?

When I’m listening to clients and I am aware that I have experienced something similar, I am mindful of my own feelings getting in the way of truly listening to them. Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in our own story.   I also notice that when I’ve experienced a similar life event that I know the territory.  It’s like an unspoken understanding.  I wonder, as therapists, whether there is a comfort in knowing the territory in some way.  I wonder if there is a vulnerability in being openly curious and a naïve observer exploring a situation that may be totally outside of our experience. 

I work with someone who has lost a child.  This is not something I’ve experienced.  I can be present, listening attentively, attune to what they are feeling, and be with their distress.  Empathy is ‘the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.’   I can do this whether we have a shared experience or not.  However, the same client has met with other people who have lost children and there is a real value for them in sharing their grief together.  There is a spoken and unspoken understanding, a sense of knowing the other person struggles too, maybe similarly and maybe differently.  I believe that this reduces the sense of isolation. 

And how would it be if I had lost a child and shared that with the client.  Would that detract from her process? Would it be a relief that she was talking to someone who had suffered a similar loss?  I was talking with a supervisee who disclosed something of herself to a client, who she could see was struggling with shame.  The client softened and continued with her own process with a little more kindness and it didn’t detract.  This was a skillful intervention.

Clearly, there is value in the uniqueness of the therapeutic relationship, and the deep listening that is available and there seems to be a different value in a shared experience.  I’m curious about what is energetically in the space when we work with clients who have a shared lived experience to ourselves.

 

Let me know what you think...

I welcome enquiries from counsellors and therapists who work indoors, outdoors or online who are interested in Mindfulness-based Contemplative Supervision.